Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
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