New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
