You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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