I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
