she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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