easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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