Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
