This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
