he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
