he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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