i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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