Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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