WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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