evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
