he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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