My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
