On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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