So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
