There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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