So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
