we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
