I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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