I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
