I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
