I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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