Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
