My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
