I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
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