Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
