The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
