TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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