I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
