Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
