my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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