Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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