I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
