i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
