My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
