i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
