i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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