I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
