Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
