Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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