if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
