We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
