i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
