I can text with my tongue
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
