I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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