my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
