Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
