You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
We were destined to go to rehab together
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
