masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
