she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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