Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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