oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
